2009, February 5
Feeling: Trapped, Angry, Hopeless, Semi-Suicidal
Doing: Listening and Living
Wearing: Grandpa's old wool sweater
Current Book: The Lay of the Last Minestral
Lyric of the Moment: And she fights for her life as she goes into the sto
Doing: Listening and Living
Wearing: Grandpa's old wool sweater
Current Book: The Lay of the Last Minestral
Lyric of the Moment: And she fights for her life as she goes into the sto
So much of myself I pour into the world around me and into other people. I leave nothing for myself because I know that when I do I end up a mess of tangled hopes and dreams, devastated and writhing in misery on the bed.
Normally I would try to convey my feelings only, but today it's raining. As I stood at the bus stop and was soaked I blasted music so I wouldn't have to listen to people anymore. I wanted to make my music so loud it would blow my brains out. There is a feeling deep inside us all; it's always there, no matter how happy you are, no matter where or who or how you are... It's a little voice whispering in the back of your mind that 'well, you're going to die anyway, why not let go now and save yourself heartache and grief?'
For some of us, it becomes this booming howl in our ears, eating away at us until, finally, we give in, and in our last moment on earth, we hear the other voice that should have balanced the screaming one out- 'But what will you miss?'
A long part of my younger life, I knew nothing about death, but when I finally did get to know it, I determined that I wanted to die young. When you die young, so full of potential and life, it hurts. People left behind say 'horrible' or 'may s/he rest in peace'. But when you die old, it's a normal thing. Besides that, even, comes the thought that when you die old, people can look back on your life and say 'could have done that better!' or 'would you THINK about what a mistake s/he made?!' but when you die young, you haven't done anything yet that warrents those thoughts and words; when you die young, all people can see is what you COULD have been. They don't see a child, they don't see a person who made mistakes...
People think of children dying as a little hope of another specialized insight going out the window; they remember dead children because they could have been ANYTHING...but the life was taken from them too soon. My point here, I think, is that I know I've reached the stage where people can think both things about me... An 18-year-old perishes, and people can say 'oh how sad, she didn't get to live out her life' or 'look at THAT mistake!' Either way is harmful... I know when I started this rant, I wasn't sure where I was taking it... but I think it's more about me... telling me that I shouldn't die just yet.
-Pathetic Otologist
