2009, January 28
Feeling: Angsty, Concerned, Cornered, Angry
Doing: Thinking and Reading
Wearing: Striped Shirt and Boxers
Current Book: Harry Potter
Lyric of the Moment: Do you remember? It's playing on repeat...
Doing: Thinking and Reading
Wearing: Striped Shirt and Boxers
Current Book: Harry Potter
Lyric of the Moment: Do you remember? It's playing on repeat...
The life I lead is slowly coming back to haunt me. I can't demand things from them, and yet I need to ask for small things to comfort them. I don't know what I want and what I need when I want or need them, so I ask for little things; fruit or pencils. Things I know will be used, will be of use. I feel rather guilty about it all, they seem to think It's me, though, and I have to begrudge them that... I never needed to ask for things, want things, because they would throw me in with my sister. I never had to make choices because I never had any.
When I went away, I felt like I could breathe, and when I came back from my trips, I felt like I was slipping back into this role that I was constantly trying to keep; the role of the daughter who knows how to please, how to be good... I was always told how good, how quiet, how helpful I was. And so I was broken into the belief that being good meant doing what I had been for ages; bever asking, never wanting, never needing.
It feels so odd to find these things that I want, that I crave now. It's like a new taste that you can't decide to hate or to love. It settles on you like a shock and slowly gaining on you. But you don't know if it's the shock or the actual taste of it you like or want. So you give it another, even more cautious try. And slowly you find that you can't tell the difference.
I feel as though I'm floundering, trying to find these things I can't reach and telling people I'm happy when I am just to be happy.
It's almost time to move and I feel like if I try hard enough I can change and give myself a new chance in this new place. My terminal aunt will be moving in with us and I feel like it's going to be a challenge to keep up with that pressure. Finding a job and being with my friends will take new priority and I'll force myself to buckle down for my license so I can escape when needed. Because I will need it; the one thing that will be easy for me to see and know... I'll need to escape.
When I went away, I felt like I could breathe, and when I came back from my trips, I felt like I was slipping back into this role that I was constantly trying to keep; the role of the daughter who knows how to please, how to be good... I was always told how good, how quiet, how helpful I was. And so I was broken into the belief that being good meant doing what I had been for ages; bever asking, never wanting, never needing.
It feels so odd to find these things that I want, that I crave now. It's like a new taste that you can't decide to hate or to love. It settles on you like a shock and slowly gaining on you. But you don't know if it's the shock or the actual taste of it you like or want. So you give it another, even more cautious try. And slowly you find that you can't tell the difference.
I feel as though I'm floundering, trying to find these things I can't reach and telling people I'm happy when I am just to be happy.
It's almost time to move and I feel like if I try hard enough I can change and give myself a new chance in this new place. My terminal aunt will be moving in with us and I feel like it's going to be a challenge to keep up with that pressure. Finding a job and being with my friends will take new priority and I'll force myself to buckle down for my license so I can escape when needed. Because I will need it; the one thing that will be easy for me to see and know... I'll need to escape.
-Pathetic Otologist
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